Last time I do this. No sperging out this time.

Perfectly honest, using an actual questionnaire. Assuming anyone's still looking at this who doesn't have me on ignore, thank your for your input.

Member Questionnaire (manchild brat)

What is beauty? What is love?
Beauty is perfection, symmetry. To me, perfection is defined by 1) immense, cosmic, unimaginable scale, and 2) unattainability and distance.

I remember the foreword for Tolkien’s First Book of Lost Tales said that Tolkien’s lore seemed so fantastical because in the LotR series, the characters described the kingdoms and gods of Arda as ancient legends within the very legend of the series itself; this created an effect of distance from the past lore of the universe to make it seem only grander and stranger. The foreword went on to say that the Silmarillion’s almost poetic tone of lore gave the same effect within the description of this lore itself as it is first introduced: the distance of long-forgotten times.

Part of it could be that I am a very directionless person, and the idea of the journey being more satisfying than the prize at the end justifies this.

What are your most important values?
I fall short of most of my “values.” I believe you shouldn’t abandon a cause or process just because it seems counterintuitive or takes a frustrating amount of time to complete, just so long as it’s showing some sort of progress.

I also believe internal resentment is worse than external hostility. Hidden hatred just festers and lasts forever, and you’re less likely to detect it so it’s less of a fair game. When hatred is overt, the battle lines are drawn and it’s a fairer fight. There’s also a greater likelihood that you’ll see the error of your ways when someone’s openly taking issue to it. Alternately, outward conflict can be energizing and even build fortitude, but pondering who might silently loathe me can drive me mad.

I believe that people who use moral systems that justify inner hatred are inherently worse than those who are hostile out of negligence, no matter who produces more actual hostility in the end. Chaotic Neutral (or even Chaotic Evil) is always better than Lawful Evil.

Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?
I was pretty spiritual for a while, but never really involved in structured religious social programs (charities, etc.). I was non-denominational Protestant earlier in life. Used to think I had the archetypal work ethic, but I really don’t.

I still believe a greater sense of destination and the moral direction of the world are important, even if science and logic make an intelligent creator redundant. My number one belief is that a strong sense of guilt determines whether one is moral or damnable. A guilty person may show anger but regret it, ultimately striving for perfect patience and humility. At the same time, shame, very distinct form internal guilt, can make people deceitful and sinful in their hearts, regardless of their actual actions in this world.

I believe this world will always be inherently counterintuitive and futile. Displays of pride – especially the less capricious and the more deliberate – are unadvisable, even if merited by one’s achievements.

But again, a lack of personal power and intelligence prevents me from seriously acting upon this sense of destination.

Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?
War? I don’t want to be on the receiving end.

I’ve never experienced power and I have little understanding of it. I rarely have any significant impact on other people, let alone the ability to control them. I’ve always a remembered a distinct frustration at my inability to control my environment and my position in it, a frustration that I believe coalesced into arrogance and narcissism.

When it comes to sway over other people, I believe that a truly strong person could do on his own whatever he could force others to do. To me, strength is the ability to withstand external influences.

What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?
I’m an amateur guitar player as a minor hobby, but who isn’t. I’ve actively avoided getting too involved in any one pursuit for fear of it absorbing me and dominating my life, because that’s what I’m prone to. Consequently I’m seriously invested in very few pasttimes.

Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?
Among the scarce things that make me genuinely cringe are depictions of physical pain or injury, particularly to the genitals and the brain. Probably normal.

I’m told I have good balance. Like I would perch on things when I was a little kid. But other than that, I have shitty proprioception and I could never play team sports.

What do you think of daily chores?
When I remember to do them, I enjoy them. They’re simple but productive tasks that allow me to tune in to the rhythm and flow of life in ways I can’t really get elsewhere. Flow states are important to me, probably more than anything else.

I often forget some household chores, mainly because they’re so minor and recur so often it’s almost a waste of energy to do them until a buildup (e.g. of laundry, dishes) occurs. I’m the type to store clothing on the floor; if I’m out of laundry, I’ll recycle something I wore once in a row; if I’m really desperate, I can drench an overused piece in deodorant and hope it works. Though I’m called a verbal thinker (and that’s where most of my skillset lies), I let my environment visually organize things for me and I act upon tasks when they physically present themselves. I consider a task much more rewarding if I can see physical results, which is probably part of why I keep up so badly with academics even when I’m good with the content. On the other hand, my clumsiness and lack of accuracy often leads me to break things or do steps of a project in the wrong order, which is probably why I have so few interests.

I really love running errands. Just running around to buy shit and do things alone, cruising down the road blasting the radio. Get to let some energy out. Of course I’ve gotten more and more socially cautious over the last couple years and I’m constantly worried about derping out in public at a cash register or a grocery aisle or something.

Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.
The Silmarillion
Catcher in the Rye. Holden seems angry but also very vulnerable, to which I relate.

What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?
I save actual crying for states of physical pain, I think. If I’m distressed I’ll resort to raising my voice in panic. I used to react to any apparent slight, perceived or otherwise, with externally-directed anger. It made me look like an idiot (nothing’s going to stop that now, since I actually am), but I was so chickenshit of the world I didn’t care. Or maybe I just gave zero fucks. I’m not sure.

Sometimes, when I’m watching a movie or thinking about an event that happened, I’ll tear up for about a second over some relatively insignificant good thing that happens to the protagonist or positive outcome for the scenario in my mind. And I don’t usually cry at movies. It’s totally anomalous, and it lasts about a second. Usually over things that wouldn’t normally affect me. Weirds me out.

I laugh at unfunny jokes that I remember in my head, even though I don’t normally laugh at things when I see them.

Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?
When I need to think about a complex problem or ruminate on future plans I usually have to retreat back into my home, where I feel strongest. Alone for too long, I’ll require the presence of other people, or the stimulation of leaving my home, to be energized again. I wouldn’t be surprised if most people were this way, more or less. I’d say I’m at my best when I’m alone immediately after social interaction, when I have the mental space to process the new “energy” I’ve taken in.

What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?
Most people write me off as too stupid to even bother interacting with, though I haven’t realized this until recently.

Should be obvious, but I’m also long-winded. Use too many adjectives.

In my natural state, I’m very impulsive. Acting on it proves I’m a retard and/or gets me in trouble; constantly suppressing it drains my energy and puts me at odds with the people around me. I guess I don’t adapt very well, even though I think I try to. Either I’m pure chaotic explosive energy or I’m a dead rock who stares into space, no grey area.

I’m known for being stubborn. I’m working on it.

What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?
People say I have an active imagination, which is fucking wrong.

I’m also told I’m a workhorse, meaning that I’ll doggedly persist at a task until I get results. However, I have trouble with tasks that can’t be completed with blind force of will alone. I try to develop my own patterns for completing more intellectual work so that I can get into a better flow state with it.

I’ve learned to step back and observe all possibilities in a given scenario before charging in and doing it, which further limits my ability to make the right inferences quickly.

In what areas of your life would you like help?
Time management. Due dates are responsible for a lot of my failures. In some respects my mind freezes up under pressure. Even when given a week or so to go home and work on a project in my own inner sanctum, the scarcity of time remaining can block out a lot of my ingenuity and I’ll stall.

Social skills, but there’s little to be done here. While I think my problems are more about poor organization/management and social skills, most people I know attribute my angst to emotional delusion. I know off the bat that psychs/councilors would offer little real aid to my case – probably give me the same old barrage of “beliebe in urslef” bullshit that I’m sick of hearing whilst getting no real results.

Currently my biggest problem is realizing what I’m doing wrong in a given situation. I think I need people openly calling me out on my bullshit, because I can’t know the desires of people who don’t want to be around me – which is unfortunate, since I don’t really want them calling me out. Last time somebody did, I realized changes needed to be made. Intuitively I don’t understand humility or shame very well, but I’ve recently started caring, I think.

Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
If my work isn’t too intellectually intensive or detailed, I can easily snap out of a rut by just doing things. Otherwise I stay there forever.

I have seeds for many ambitious ideas but lack the mental organization to remember when to work on them. I’m most likely to finish a project if it involves a change in environment or if it involves other people, since I need stimulation to keep going. The latter isn’t usually an option since I have few friends, zero social skills, and zero cooperative skills. Basically I need people but I can’t get them.

But I really see results when I use enough caffeine at once. When I’m in a “rut,” I think I let my mind float about with little direction, allowing me to parse new ideas and vaguely explore concepts to expand upon.

When I’m energized, I just keep pushing and pushing ahead to the finish, often at the expense of quality and innovation. As a result, I try to be careful to hit every detail along the way and only invest in a prospect that shows real value against intensive intellectual scrutiny, yet another factor of my procrastination.

What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?
I hate impatience and lack of transparency. I also hate when people jump to one inference instead of considering all possible interpretations of a piece of information.

I hate when people refuse to explain themselves. I don’t know why anyone would. It strikes me as really egotistical. I’m even known for being stubborn, but I at least try to back up my lack of compliance with reasoning, however poorly I express it.

I hate selective hearing. More specifically, when someone takes a very specific message and breaks it down into its simplest form to meet their internally predefined qualifiers. I think this is something Ti-Se users are archetypally known for, but I’m not sure.
When I hear someone say “This man has a dissociative personality disorder and is losing his sense of identity,” I literally hear it as “this man has a dissociative personality disorder and is losing his sense of identity,” not “this fucker’s crazy.” I do not care about the speaker’s intent, I do not care about my own personal feelings. I care about the literal word-for-word information being presented.

Irony kinda puts me on edge. Especially when a statement is said with the implication of irony but no apparent indication of irony, as if you’re expected to see some inherent flaw in the idea in a vacuum. In a vacuum, no idea can be right or wrong – it depends entirely upon its relationship with other things. Objects are distinguished by their qualities; qualities are determined by interactions between objects.

But on the topic of irony, I have trouble handling the cognitive dissonance. I shouldn’t.

How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?
Turns out I have a shitty sex drive. Good thing the relationship in question is intact. I suspect I could try to manipulate what it is that I like, but I’m not certain and TMI.

All I really want is loyalty. Beggars can’t be choosers, it’s the sad truth for my case.

If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?
I don’t want my pissy genes to survive. That would be torture for the heir. No thanks.

A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?
Earlier in life I’d get really ardent about my own pissy little belief systems that no one cared about. In retrospect I realize it was a psychological defense mechanism of sorts, a projection of my own social alienation and a proposed mystical path to heal it via magical thinking. Basically I would’ve gotten TRIGGERED because it gave me an adrenalin rush.

Now I couldn’t care less. I deliberately cleansed myself of most of my opinions in the vain hope of becoming more normal. Baby steps. I wouldn’t really react these days unless it was a personal attack. But as I see more and more reminders of how despised and suckish I probably am, it builds up. I try to fight my anger because it makes me do fucktarded shit and no one respects me, but it still comes out.

Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.
I need people around me very badly. People energize me. I push people away.

Perusing over the shit posted on forums and websites, I’ve realized that people care about the stupidest bullshit. I hear everyone whining and ranting over what video games they don’t like, quibbling over which sex acts they want to use, and going up each other’s asses about what’s socially awkward. I’ve held a shitty spot on my social totem pole basically my whole life, at least in terms of where I’m from, but it’s taught me that people are too impatient, too picky, too quick to pass judgments based on impulses that I’m forced to restrain. And they’re not transparent enough.

How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?
Haven’t had enough friends to know conclusively. But I know I’m conflicted on who I’d pick. I wouldn’t want someone who sugarcoats or patronizes me, but I naturally drive away anyone more overbearing than that. I would want someone who puts up with my innate shittiness, doesn’t pretend these traits aren’t there, will stay with me no matter how much punishment I put them through, and, preferably, can advise me on overcoming some of these traits. In the past, even when I had people who could put up with me, I’d neglect spending time with them because I took so long to do simple tasks and I couldn’t really manage my life.

More recently, I’ve grown suspicious of the few people who can stand to be around me, namely because absolutely no one should want to. But they always come back when I test them. I’ve grown too paranoid.

How do you behave around strangers?
Until now, it’s like it had never occurred to me that a “public” existed.
My gf and I went to get Chinese takeout and I was literally trying to plan how we’d enter the restaurant and approach the cashier to take our orders. At the counter there was this bench where we sat waiting for our food to be delivered. She was making the same chitchat I’m known for about superficial details in the restaurant environment (e.g. the typography on the menu), and I was just staring into space. Then I moved my head to look in a different direction, and I guess the jerky movement startled the woman at the counter or something. She was all like “We’ll get your order in a minute” or something, as if I’d just banged my fist on the counter.
TL;DR my nervous energy draws negative attention.

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Last time I do this. No sperging out this time.